[personal profile] kisuru
[The whole post is sarcastic self-denial in my weird personal flavor, but I had to write it out. So no one should read this unless you like rambling about the exact opposite of canon. I have feelings. I am not okay.]

Recently, I reread the X volume 16, and I’ll put my coherent feelings here.

Seishirou kisses Subaru.

How about that serious SeiSub kiss, everyone.

What do you mean you didn’t see a kiss? It happened. It was as clear as day, and yes, it is just as valid in our imaginations. You were supposed to visualize it—Seishirou was in too much pain to make the final connection. It probably happened off camera in a precious panel CLAMP hid from us, too. You don’t write “I… you…” and refuse to put a kiss somewhere there. Like, CLAMP could have planned to reveal the obvious meaning of those words in those last volumes, but of course we have to fill in the blank if we don’t have the ending.

Think about it, the kiss was too amazing to be put into one picture. CLAMP understood this cruel truth when they drew it. Don’t you understand how hard it is to draw absolute perfection in one panel and call it done? It was too much pressure for 100 words to convey in one picture. 100 words does not describe the justice SeiSub truly deserves.

It wasn’t to torture us. It couldn’t be have meant to do that, right?

Blood would have gotten in the way? That’s another thing, there was no blood.

It was a beautiful kiss. A kiss on a bridge over the water. No, Hinoto, go away. Their meeting was a date to watch the world burn or something. The kekkai. Good enough. And Seishirou most certainly didn’t die, you hear me. Why would you have the nerve to say that? He didn’t die, because that’s just depressing. Why would he have to die? He didn’t even care about the Earth. He was heartless and didn’t feel regret. That’s what we were supposed to believe. So he couldn’t have died, see? He couldn’t have died.

Anything else you hear is a lie! They kissed! No one died, and they were happy together. Happy in ever-after with Seishirou’s eye being Subaru’s wedding ring… but um…

So you did have influence in this, Shoten.

Which means… Seishirou felt something? Which, I mean, would be ridiculous if it happened in the TB to X timeskip. Why would his feelings change in so many years, especially when CLAMP themselves always put into their works that people constantly change? Especially when we knew basically nothing about how he lived those in between years. Seishirou could have sat down one day before 1999 and put on one of Hokuto’s old hats and wondered what he wanted out of life. No, you do not turn back after you’ve tried on Hokuto’s hats, Seishirou. Subaru knows it is futile. He would have warned you Hokuto’s hats were the worst ghosts that dared possess him. He couldn’t refuse. But you’re a stubborn man and didn’t listen to Subaru or talk to him. You’re a mystery.

Hokuto had you in that steel trap, Seishirou, but you managed to wiggle out and cause everyone heartfelt remorse anyway. Subaru, please, you had the one chance to control your boyfriend. But it wasn’t like you knew his plan… The world really did burn. Nothing burns brighter than when Seishirou realizes how many feelings he has inside. And this is what makes it worse.

That’s depressing if Seishirou’s kiss missed, you know. I mean, I don’t think I could handle that. An apologetic kiss missing like that, trying to make up for years lost and all. Keep that away. My heart clenches. Bleeds.

Or, it’s not like he paused in kissing him—breaking his selfish streak for the one and only time he kisses Subaru. If that’s a possibility, you know, and why not. Because he wasn’t kind, but he knew he was selfish. And selfishness really isn’t the way you want to tell someone goodbye. Or give into wishes, yours and his. So selfishness has to go. After all, why would he think Subaru loves him?

Seishirou was in pain. There’s that. And my heart bleeds again.

Love is strange. A strange, painful thing.

You know, let me just… be alone, please.
#like I said sarcastic self-denial#I was serious when I said I want Seishirou and Subaru to be happy#this is my self-denial post let me have it#I just want to rage and vent#HE WANTED A KISS THIS IS A FACT#I hate and love this volume#then I realized why I wrote this post after fully writing it#I just want to ask for something and want it with my heart#I still don't know how most of this post turned into a kiss thing but whatever#this is the direction this post took and I'll embrace it#obvious SeiSub trash is showing too obviously#am I arguing something? Idk even#x/1999
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